Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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