I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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