i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
