pop tarts are not kleenex
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
