Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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