god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
