If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
