talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
