I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
