how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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