I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
