every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
