My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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