I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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