theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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