he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
