Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
