Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
