I hate all girls vehemently.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
