Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
