I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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