Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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