i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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