Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
