Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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