I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
