My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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