Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
