And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
