so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
