And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise