; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
