I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
