My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
