its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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