You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
