Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
