I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
