Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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