when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
