i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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