she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.