our cab driver is having phone sex.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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