i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
