I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
