I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
