If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Enjoy the penises
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
