Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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