I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
