i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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