Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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