I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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